Sunday, September 7, 2008

September 7, 2008

Dear Governor Palin:
      We all know by now that you can kill, dress and cook a moose.  But Washington's not Alaska;  it poses different challenges.  Could you, I wonder, kill, dress and cook a lobbyist?  Lots of them here.  Very few moose.
     Lots of different stuff here to confront if you win.  Alaska's a big place with few people.  Privacy is something that's pretty easy to find, I expect.  Not here.  You'll be surrounded--lobbyists, favor-seekers, hangers-on--the whole DC schmear.  How to deal with the crush?  I think you should bring your sled dogs--I'm sure you have some--with you.  One way to achieve privacy would be to turn the dogs loose on the maddening crowd.  The Secret Service can help with that too, of course, but the dogs could be more partisan--take a bite out of anyone you want to chase away.
     The dogs could help keep those pesky reporters at arm's length too.  Not many of them will want to end up as canine chow.
     Most of the mob--lobbyists, favor-seekers, reporters--will try to tell you they're your friends. Don't believe them.  Lying is one of the things folks here are really good at.  And friendship?  Harry Truman--I know he was a Democrat but he knew this town pretty well--said once,  "If you want a friend in Washington, get a dog."  So there you are, the sled dogs again.
     Mind you, Governor, it's not all bad.  The monuments are lovely, especially at night.  There's a lot of good art in the museums.  And while your official job is presiding over the Senate, there's a long-standing tradition that says you really don't have to do it very often and you don't have to listen when you do;  the Parliamentarian will tell you anything you need to know.
     And one thing that, as an Alaska, you'll love.  You get to watch this city try to cope with snow! After two or three flakes fall, people start abandoning their cars, schools close, citizens tremble--the whole ball of wax.  You'll laugh for a week and by then, if only a couple of inches fell, they'll have most of it cleaned up.
     Good luck.

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